There’s an interesting fallacy in the world, and it permeates universally and in all sorts of ways:
Everyone has this all figured out, except me.
People think this is true about money. About health. About fitness. About relationships. About happiness. About self-confidence. About parenthood. About pet ownership. About growing up. About growing old.
And it’s the backbone of a lot of marketing, and it’s the reason we’re drawn to the “next big thing.”
We spend a lot of time searching for the solution, the hack, the “this is what’ll make it easy for me to succeed” strategy. And we’re sure, we’re positive, that once we find that strategy, we’ll get to the place we want to be, and then, finally and totally, we’re going to be happy.
You already know what’s coming, don’t you? Yeah, it doesn’t work that way. None of it works that way.
Odds are, in some ways, you act like a trauma survivor.
This past winter, I started investigating trauma. It started when a coach I hold in high regard shared his work in emotional mapping. The short version of emotional mapping: physical issues in the body are often manifestations of psychological trauma.
My first step was to be skeptical. Very, very, skeptical. And then two things happened: when I told him about some of my injuries, he was accurate in the broad strokes of my emotional state. And when I started reading more about trauma, I saw myself reflected in a lot of the behaviors common to trauma survivors.
So I kept reading, and I’ve been working my way through The Body Keeps the Score. I’ve made an important shift in my thinking; I still don’t identify as a trauma survivor (I’m reluctant to take on that label), but I do identify as someone who acts like a trauma survivor. In other words, I’m not willing to blame my behavior on trauma, but I’m now looking at my behaviors through the lens of trauma. And it’s been a good thing.
There’s a phenomenon known as alexithymia, when someone is unable to verbalize their emotions, or to connect to the emotions of others. And trauma survivors may have a hard time connecting with the signals coming from inside their bodies, like hunger (or satiety), anxiety, or excitement.
These are just two of the traits I’ve been able to see in myself.
And I have looked around in the memories of my childhood, and I see a lot of unhappiness in my history. My parents got divorced and I thought it was my fault; my parents both said some unkind things to me; I was fat-shamed by my mother. None of these things serves as an excuse for bad behavior or being unkind to other people. And in fact, I’m not sure they matter much.
But they do provide a backdrop for looking at my decisions under a new lens, that of a trauma survivor. And with that comes a desire, on my part, to actively work on the things I struggle with: paying attention to internal signals, learning to verbalize my emotions, and being patient with others, as they have their own histories, stories, and struggles.
There’s a bumper sticker I haven’t seen in a while, but it’s a good message: Everyone around you is living a hell you know nothing about, so be kind.
And maybe you’re living your own hell, where you’re doing your best. If so, be kind to yourself. And watch out for your desire for hacks, immediate solutions, and even your own thoughts of “I’ll be happy when…”
Let’s work on being happy now. Pay attention to signals from your body, and use training as a way to get in touch with your emotions.
And if you need help, someone to talk to, please ask. We’re all fighting the same struggles.